Bill Maher transcript from Real Time on HBO:
If you think the worst thing Congress doesn’t protect young people from
is Mark Foley, wake up and smell the burning planet. The ice caps are
cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and we’re losing two species an
hour. The birds have bird flu, the cows have mad cow, and our poisoned
groundwater has turned spinach into a side dish of mass destruction. Our
schools are shooting galleries, our beaches are cancer wards, and under
George W. Bush—for the first time in 45 years—our country’s infant
mortality rate actually went up.
Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can
put in your body is Mark Foley’s penis. He was probably the first fruit
those pages ever came into contact with that wasn’t drenched in pesticide.
But that’s America for you—a red herring culture, always scared of the
wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle- aged men out
there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical
industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street. And recently, there’s been a
rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting our
children for death. They’re called military recruiters.
More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than in any month
in the past three years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show
them a good time before they go? When will our closeted gay congressmen
learn? Our boys aren’t for pleasure. They’re for cannon fodder. They
shouldn’t be another notch on your bedpost. They should be a comma in
Bush’s war. If I hear a zipper, it had better be on a body bag.
Why aren’t Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who
we’re supposed to be fighting for over there and what the plan is. Yes,
Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penises were—but
at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions. We’re the
predators. Because we have an entire economy built on asking young people
what they want, making the cheapest, sleaziest form of it they’ll accept,
and selling it to them until they choke on it and die.
You know who’s grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and
GlaxoSmithKline, by convincing you they’re depressed, hyperactive or
suffering from attention-deficit disorder and so they must all get
medicated. The drug dealers hooking your kids aren’t in South America,
they’re in the halls of Congress handing out campaign donations to your
congressmen. Mark Foley says he never slept with those kids, and I
believe him, because American children are so hopped up on pills I doubt
any of them could get it up.
From 1995 to 2002, the number of children prescribed antipsychotic drugs
increased by over 400 percent. Either our children are going insane—
which we might look on as a problem—or, more likely, we have, for
profit, created a nation of little junkies. So stop already with the
righteous moral indignation about predators— this whole country is
trying to get inside your kid’s pants because that’s where he keeps the
money Daddy gave him to stay out of his hair.
I don’t care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penises
because I have some sad news for you: Your kid is so larded out on
Cheetos and Yoo-hoo, he can’t even see his penis. We live in a country
where the ultimate consumer is an obese 16-year-old hooked up at one end
to a Big Gulp and at the other to a PlayStation. So many of our kids
today are fat drug addicts, it’s almost as if Rush Limbaugh had had
In conclusion, we can pretend that the biggest threat to “our children”
is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it’s Mom and Dad. When
your son can’t find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or
understand that the ads on TV are lying— including the one in which the
Marine turns into Lancelot—then the person fucking him is you.